Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the Hive
spec fic authors were gathering
for a festive contrive
We searched far and wide
and questioned with glee
“Which of your characters
would spend Christmas with thee?”
Christmas with the Resistance witches (from Tonight, I Burn) would be such fun!
The whole gang would have the most raucous time with a huge bonfire and a magical tree, and they all deserve a bit of colour and light.
But if I had to pick one, it would be Alice. She’s spent so much time on her own, I’d love to spoil her with a Kiwi Summer Christmas and take her to dip her toes in the ocean after a day of presents and sunshine and a bbq on the deck.
Katharine J. Adams | Tonight, I Burn
I’d spend Christmas with Errol from my Rainfallen series, though I wouldn’t want to spend it in New London, so he’d have to visit me! Errol probably never got to experience a proper Christmas (or Jul, as he’d call it) growing up.
I feel a little sorry for him and think it would be nice to cheer him up. Though he might not forgive me for everything he goes through in the books…
Benjamin Aeveryn | Salt in the Wound
I think for Christmas Day, probably Meristan.
He’s a calming influence, soulful, insightful and good conversation.
I can see him enjoying our annual watch of It’s a Wonderful Life and Muppet Christmas Carol, and he likes a good whisky!
Justin Lee Anderson | The Lost War
I’d have to say Morana from Hills of Heather and Bone .
She knows how to create a cozy atmosphere and bake delicious foods.
It would be a calm holiday season with her, but one that’s warm and cozy.
K.E. Andrews | Hills of Heather and Bone
I’d choose Malomir from The Coward.
Sure, I wouldn’t know which of his stories were true, and which completely made up, but we’d have a lot of fun, eat a lot of food and drink far too much.
It’s what the holidays are all about!
Stephen Aryan | The Coward
No question, I would spend Christmas with Fi’s Uncle Edgar from The Paternus Trilogy .
He would undoubtedly know more about the holiday and it’s evolution than anyone alive, including Myrddin Wyllt, simply because he paid more attention, and would be happy to tell all about it.
He’s also an incredible cook.
Dyrk Ashton | Paternus: Rise of the Gods
Christmas with Gadriel and Holly ( Small Miracles ) would be the most delicious thing ever.
So much chocolate. Perhaps too much chocolate.
Put some chocolate back, please, Gadriel. What do you mean “let’s go egg all the houses on Downing Street”?
Olivia Atwater | Small Miracles
(Sorry, Beth, I got a bit carried away – RJ) Editor note: He’s not joking, strap in
Look, I know it sounds like a lovely idea, Christmas with your characters, let’s get them over, share some good cheer and give them a little respite from the hellworlds of my books.
But NO. It is not a good idea. It is a bad idea. A very bad idea.
What’s that you say, ‘Oh come on, RJ, surely some of them would be fun?’
You are wrong, but I’ll humour you. Let’s examine the possibilities. Let’s do some science.*
CASE 1: Girton and Merela, crime solving, moody assassins from the Wounded Kingdom trilogy.
Girton, a man who never grows emotionally past sulky teenager. He’s not family but I’d still feel the need to get him a present and I know that whatever it was it wouldn’t be right. He would say thankyou and try to mean it, but everyone would know he didn’t. Then he’d sit in a corner mooning over something and wishing they had The Cure in his world.
So, Merela, maybe she would be a bit more fun as she’s professionally good at fitting in, for when she needs to kill people. She’s spiky though. It just needs unpleasant Uncle Dan** to start quoting from The Daily Mail and that’s it, you know you’re going to find him drowned in the punch bowl at some point. And yes, maybe you would be happy to kill unpleasant Uncle Dan yourself sometimes, but Christmas is not the right time for it. Murder’s more of an Easter thing.
So no. No thanks Girton and Merala, do not RSVP.
Age of Assassins
CASE 2: Joron Twiner, Lucky Meas and Gullaime from the Tide Child trilogy.
Okay. Time for the Bone Ships, sailors love a drink right? So, Joron, Lucky Meas and Gullaime, bit of a riot?
Dear me, no. Or well, yes, but in far too literal a manner.
I mean, Meas is used to being in command, it’s what she does and you know that she’s going to come in and try and take over the kitchen. That never goes down well. You’ve seen that episode of The Bear, right? Well, imagine that but someone has a sword, no. Bad idea. Sorry Meas, stay on your ship, you’re happier there anyway.
Joron, he’s a bit softer? Well, yes. But which Joron? If you get drinking-himself-to-death-to-avoid-responsibility Joron from the first book no one is going to have a good time. It’s all going to be very uncomfortable. But what’s the alternative? Sickness riddled, driven-almost-solely-by-vengeance Joron? That’s no one’s idea of fun either. So sorry, Jorors, stay on the ship, I’ll post you a cracker to pull with Meas.
Of course, how can I mention the Tide Child and not mention the Gullaime? And how could you, for one moment, think it would be good idea to invite a perpetually angry bird-wizard round to your house? It’s going to take one look at that turkey, accuse you of murdering its friends and just wreck everything. Everything.
Not want.
Maybe Mevans might be alright? The trouble with the crew of the Tide Child is that they are all a bit unpredictable and it’s more than likely everything is going to end up in a fight and, to be honest with you, grandma’s just not up for it this year.
The Bone Ships
CASE 3: Cahan and Udinny from The Forsaken Trilogy.
So, the latest book. Gods of the Wyrdwood.
Cahan, I mean, he might have a bit of a Father Christmas beard going on but it ends there. Under no circumstances do you want him round your house. He’s difficult enough to spend time with in a book, and you can put that down when you’ve had enough. The man has a problem and yeah, he does end up working it out and you warm to him. But he works it out through the medium of violence and that is not in the holiday spirit.
Maybe Udinny, she is fun. That is true. And she’s funny. But, if you take her up on the offer of going on a traditional Christmas ramble to walk off some of that turkey, you have to remember she is the chosen of a god. Look, you read fantasy, you know that never goes well. There’s a good chance you’re never coming back so you better wear your most comfortable shoes, and if there is one thing people know about me it’s that my boots are always impressive, but they are very rarely comfortable. So no. Sorry Udinny. I’m not equipped for such shenanigans. Editor: I would definitely choose Udinny just saying
Gods of the Wyrdwood
There you go. We scienced my books and it’s a big no all round, I’m afraid.
Wait! Maybe there is one character who would be GREAT to have round at Christmas. THERE IS! And they are from the Wounded Kingdom books, but telling you who it is if you’ve not read them is a huge spoiler for later in the trilogy. Though… if you know you know. If you don’t, they start with Age of Assassins and make great Christmas presents. In fact, why not spoil yourself, I have seven whole books out there, and it is Christmas after all.
Seasons greetings.
RJ Barker .
*I am not a scientist. I’m a writer, I make things up for a living so maybe that should read, ‘let’s do some “science”’ with really heavy air quotes around science.
**Names changed to protect the unpleasant
I think I’d enjoy crashing in on Christmas at The Refuge from my London Charismatics series, maybe in 1915. Cairncross and Miss Bard would be arguing about the folkloric roots of Yule logs. (Cairncross says it symbolises the return of the sun, while Miss Bard is quite convinced there’s a fertility ritual in there somewhere.) Sam would be glomming all the cookies, while Estelle passes holiday greetings on to all her favourite dead people, and Lily and Strangford sit on opposite sides of the settee pretending they don’t want to snog each other.
Jacquelyn Benson | The Fire in the Glass
Of all the problematic magic nerds from The Atlas Six to spend Christmas with, Callum Nova is the obvious choice.
He will choose the finest scotch and make everything worse, but I personally love mess.
Olivie Blake | The Atlas Six
I’d spend Christmas Day with the Parry family from my book Claws and Contrivances .
We’d have a wonderful time in their crumbling Welsh abbey-cum-manor house, playing charades and acting out scenes from Aunt Parry’s latest gothic novel with the help of so many different rescue dragons and a sweet border collie, too.
Stephanie Burgis | Claws and Contrivances
I’d love to spend Christmas with Lady Jing from Shanghai Immortal.
She’s so impetuous and curious, and despite the grumblestiltskin attitude, I think the decorations, lights, and all the Christmas vibes would fill her with wonder and joy.
Plus she is so into her food it would be fun to introduce her to roast goose, roast potatoes, cranberry sauce, brussel sprouts and of course, my immigrant family’s tradition of sticky rice stuffing!
A. Y. Chao | Shanghai Immortal
I’d like to spend Christmas with the Blakeneys (Sir Percy and Lady Marguerite), as I’m sure they’d be throwing a Christmas party at Blakeney Manor for friends and relatives – Georgian Christmas festivities, food, dancing, strolls in the snowy countryside, card games, etcetera.
And I’m sure the company would be excellent.
Genevieve Cogman | Scarlet
I’d spend Christmas with Ebbie Wren and Bek Rana from The Wood Bee Queen .
Though they might not like to admit it (especially Bek) they’re both lonely people who have spent years in isolation because they’re misunderstood by those around them. I think friendly company at Christmas, with lots of presents and food, would do them the world of good.
Fortunately for them, I can provide all three. Hoorah!
Edward Cox | The Wood Bee Queen
So hands down, I’m gonna pick Bernard.
The entire crew of the circus would be amazing, but if we’re just gonna go with one, I’m picking the World’s Best Dad, and someone who exudes the Ghost of Christmas Present vibe.
I do have to add a Hanukkah buddy in here, too, since that’s the holiday I celebrate. And for Hanukkah, I’d have to pick Odette because she deserves some peace and quiet, and if the potato peeler attacked me she would be able to heal it very quickly with her Spark.
J.R. Dawson | The First Bright Thing
I would want to invite Nesrin, from Ice & Ivy .
She gets along with people better than most of my grumpy characters, and she’s an excellent cook.
She’d be the only one who would chat gardening with me too, so good food and good chatter – that’s my definition of a great holiday!
J. D. Evans | Ice & Ivy
Conor Drew (A Gamble Of Gods) might be the best decision here. Whether it’s entry to exclusive parties that you seek or cosy nights in pubs with stories told about his incredible adventures entertaining the whole crowd, you are covered.
His energetic and charismatic persona will make sure that you’re not bored for a minute and with him you’ll always find yourself doing and enjoying all sorts of craziness that you had never even dreamed of before.
Exhausted by the end of the festive season? Most likely. But it will definitely be a time to remember and possibly tell your own stories about next Christmas.
Mitriel Faywood | A Gamble of Gods
I would choose to spend Christmas with Shadow, Emily’s dog, from the Emily Wilde series.
The holidays are meant to be cozy, and there would be nothing cozier than snuggling up with a massive hairy furnace.
I might invite Wendell Bambleby too, because I think he would have no choice but to clean my house before company arrived (I’m not the tidiest person), which is the best Christmas present, really.
Heather Fawcett | Emily Wilde’s Encyclopaedia of Faeries
That’s easy: I’d love to spend Christmas in Barcelona with Diago and Miquel (from Where Oblivion Lives ), because in Barcelona, Christmas actually begins on December 8, which gives us a whole month to explore the city.
I’d want Diago to show me all the cultural beauty of the city and Miquel to guide me through all the raunchiest places to hang out.
On Christmas Eve, we would have a lavish meal with some of Barcelona’s finest dishes and then walk off the meal on the city’s famous Las Ramblas.
T. Frohock | Where Oblivion Lives
I think Christmas with Constanta from A Dowry of Blood would be delightful, especially if she ended up bringing the other consorts with her.
Constanta is a deeply religious person who would connect with the spiritual elements of the holiday, but she also believes in living for the day and squeezing all the sweet juice of pleasure of life, so I’m sure she would throw a Christmas party to remember.
S.T. Gibson | A Dowry of Blood
I have to spend Christmas with Orion from Foul Lady Fortune .
Not because he would have any particular attachment to Christmas especially since the books are set in 1930s Shanghai and Christmas wasn’t really a thing outside of the foreign concessions, but because he would definitely be an extravagant spender when it comes to buying gifts and he’d get me something sooooo excellent.
Chloe Gong | Foul Lady Fortune
Of all my characters, I’d love to spend the holidays catching up with Signa Farrow and Blythe Hawthorne from Belladonna !
We’d have a great chat over the absolute best scones and tea in existence, and so long as Thorn Grove doesn’t host another Christmas masquerade everyone should (hopefully) get out of there alive!
Adalyn Grace | Belladonna
Christmas Eve with Bolste from Code of the Communer would be a boisterous affair. We’d be sat with the rest of the tribe in a draughty communal shelter, the cold seeping in through gaps in the hides, but warmed by a fire in the centre. The smell of smoke would be overwhelming, but at least that would hide the smell of a dozen unwashed bodies crammed into a small space. Bolste would be holding court, passing around the fermented fruit mush. He has a big laugh, and on a night when everyone is well fed and a little drunk, it would be contagious.
The tribe celebrate Yule when the Eye of Winter rises to its highest, and we can see it overhead through the smoke-hole, the brightest star in the frozen sky. Bolste raises his cup and declares that it is only there for us. On this night, we believe him.
Kai Greenwood | Code of the Communer
I’d love to spend Christmas with Tabitha from Swashbucklers .
Sure, she’s a fox, but she’s wise and funny, plus I’d be guaranteed a call to adventure and a long walk across at least two different dimensions, which should help let the big lunch we’ve had settle nicely.
Also, I have a lot of questions about the ridiculousness of the world right now and I think she’d be able to give me some answers.
Dan Hanks | Swashbucklers
I’d have to choose Nut from Composite Creatures .
Definitely a creature to snuggle with in front of a Christmas film, as long as I disregard the ‘disturbing’ elements of her evolving body!
She’d probably let me have all the best chocolates in the Celebrations tin, too.
Caroline Hardaker | Composite Creatures
I think I’d have to choose Anders Brekovich from my First Earth Saga books.
Because while Christmas is all about giving and family and all that… it’s always fun to see a bit of drama, and no one brings the family drama like Anders.
Although I’d probably have to hide the booze or he’d drink the place dry before I got a sip.
Rob J. Hayes | The Heresy Within: The Ties that Bind Us
I’d love to spend it with Murr, the feline star of A Midwinter’s Tail .
She’d probably pounce first thing in the morning to demand a treat of potted shrimp before purring the entire day away beside the fire.
But when the food is done and the day is over and everyone is on the edge of sleep, I love to think I’d catch a glimpse of her true form, and maybe even hear her singing to the storm and the stars…
Lili Hayward | A Midwinter’s Tail
I’d invite magician and veteran storyteller, Myrdhin (from Sistersong ), although he’d likely invite himself if a roast, ale and a warm hearth were on offer.
No Yule should be without good food, fireside tales, and a gender-fluid shaman bearing gifts from afar.
I imagine the charades would be epic.
Lucy Holland | Sistersong
If I was looking to possibly die in an exciting way after a night of debauchery I would spend my holidays with Esek Nightfoot, the villain of These Burning Stars .
But, being a bit of a coward, I think I’d rather hang out with hacker Jun Ironway and her butch girlfriend Liis.
There would be lots of good-natured shit-talking and one-up-manship, with laughter, decent food, and that warm feeling you get when you know your friends are assholes, but they’re your assholes, and you love them.
Bethany Jacobs | These Burning Stars
I would spend Christmas Day with Aubin from The King’s Swordsman just to see what he thinks of the holidays.
He’d take bright lights, sweets and carols in his stride, but gifts have very special meaning where he’s from, so I wouldn’t want him to overthink it!
Becky James | The King’s Swordman
