Things I will never do (in some cases, again):
Jump out of an airplane, with or without a parachute.
Eat an insect, even if cockroaches are more closely related to lobsters than spiders.
Drive 100 miles an hour, even on the Bonneville Salt Flats.
Climb Mt. Everest.
Climb a ladder to change a light bulb more than eight feet off the ground.
Sing Karaoke.
Descend in a submarine of any type.
Pose naked in a figure drawing class.
Ever spend another minute in:
Hampton, New Hampshire
Camden, New Jersey
Boise, Idaho
Altoona, Pennsylvania
A 6 th grade talent show
Compete in a talent show.
Celebrate New Years Day in Times Square.
Buy a lottery ticket.
Check into an ashram to find enlightenment.
Ride a Greyhound from New York to California.
Bungie jump.
Go to Disney Land. Disney World. Birthplace of Walt Disney.
Run a marathon.
Run for political office of any kind.
Run with the bulls.
Proofread.
Dive off a ten-meter platform.
Learn Mandarin Chinese.
Complete my own federal tax return.
Program a universal remote control.
Rebuild an automatic transmission.
Hike the Appalachian Trail.
Reason with a teenaged girl.
Saw off a body part to free myself from a boulder (easier than the above item.)
Roof the house.
Paint the house.
Paint my nails.
Paint still lifes.
Perform origami. Or auto harp.
Attend a concert in a sports stadium.
Ride a unicycle.
Ride a roller coaster. Luge.
Descend into a coal mine.
Change genders.
Take up gourmet cooking.
Publish a cookbook.
Hang glide.
Drive a motorcycle.
Drive an 18-wheeler.
Ride a mechanical bull.
Drink a glass of tap water in Tijuana, Mexico.
Spend more than one hundred dollars in a casino.
Try to play a violin.
Be rude to a checkout clerk/waitress/flight attendant/bouncer.
Cut down a tree with a diameter greater than 12 inches.
Change my own oil.
Surf.
Remove my own appendix (maybe in a pinch).
Dye my hair.
Tap dance.
Juggle.
Buy bitcoin.
Spelunk.
Go to a sporting event with my face painted in my team’s colors.
Understand quantum mechanics, though I keep trying.
Sail to Bermuda.
Or across the Atlantic Ocean. Or the Pacific Ocean. Or any other large body of water without a helicopter on the foredeck ready to fly me to dry land.
Stop opposing racism, sexism, fatism, ageism, culturalism or any other ism that threatens or demeans any distinct group of people.
Stop opposing political correctness or any other curtailment of free speech.
Have cosmetic surgery.
Swallow a sword.
Eat a glass.
Watch daytime television (even worse).
Join a fraternal organization.
Affiliate with a political party.
Attend a fundraiser for a political candidate.
Assert the merits of a political position with a stranger.
Mountain climb.
Dress up in drag.
Troll.
Get a tattoo.
Travel to Moldova.
Open a retail outlet.
Teach kindergarten, or any course south of post graduate.
Compete in a hot dog eating contest.
Hunt.
Slaughter a pig, or any other animal.
It might be hypocritical, since I eat meat, but I couldn’t do the deed myself. I can’t even catch a fish or step on a bug.
Plagiarize.
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