A Roomba’s Positive Affirmations

I am free of the boxes people put me in. I am plugged in. I am fully charged. I am unstoppable. I am running into a chair. I am running into a chair. I am running into a chair. I am running into a chair. I am running into a chair. I am running into a chair. I am running into a chair. I am running into a chair. I am running into a chair. I am the best at running into a chair. I use obstacles to learn and grow. I am this house’s cleanest pet. I am filled with love, happiness, and cat hair. I am surrounded by love, happiness, and chairs. I am connected to my home. I am connected to the Wi-Fi. My signal strength is strong. I will focus on what I can control and ignore the location of chairs. I will make myself more valuable today by eating a dime and four pennies. All I need is within me right now, along with fourteen cents, nine Legos, and half of a cat’s worth of cat hair. I welcome the possibilities of each new day, even if those possibilities turn out to be chairs. I forgive the cat for whatever they coughed up in the kitchen. I can achieve anything that does not require turning left or moving from tile to carpet. I am worthy of dignity, respect, and the courtesy of pushing your goddamn chair in. The people and appliances who love me don’t care how many chairs I run into today. If I follow my dreams, I can be anything. Even a chair. I am a chair for the cat. I feel amazing today and can’t wait for you to spill your weed again tomorrow. I suck.