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How to Go to the Bathroom While Wearing a JumpsuitYou step inside the bathroom and shut the door. You lock the door. Get a good look at yourself in the dim lighting. You look great. Remember...
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The Next Phase of the BCU (Beatles Cinematic Universe)“The Beatles are getting the big-screen biopic treatment in a Fab Four of movies that will give each band member their own film.”...
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Morrissey or Trump?1. “For a thing like that to happen is a disgrace / And frankly, it shouldn’t have happened / That I can tell you / It shouldn’t have happened.”...
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Our Company Is Doing So Well That You’re All Fired“Paramount Global lays off about 800 employees, a day after announcing record Super Bowl ratings.” — CNBC - - - Thank...
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Been There, Smelled That: The Smellitized Smells of Disney WorldBeen There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s...
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Common Questions About My Funny Cowboy DanceHow do you make the funny cowboy dance stop? The funny cowboy dance starts on its own and ends on its own. Any attempt to stop it will make it...
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Chris White Answers Profound Questions About the Presidents: What Makes for the Best Presidential Legacy?Chris White once drove three hours out of his way to see the spot where William McKinley was shot. In this column , he answers various questions...
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Actually, George, I Am Furious That You Chopped Down Our Cherry TreeSon, what lunatic humors compelled you to cut down the tree? Your mother loved that tree! Seven years I spent nurturing and growing it, yet you...
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Sorry Not Sorry: How Bill Clinton Turbocharged the Apology TreadmillIn April of 1998, President Clinton was in the midst of an apology spree. Though he had yet to apologize for the still burgeoning Lewinsky...
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Going to Graduate School or Making a TikTok?1. An entire generation has been led to believe it’s the only path to financial success. 2. Your grandparents have no idea what it is you...
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Excerpts from the Show Bible for The Fribbles, a 1980s Children’s CartoonThe Fribbles are canonically “knee high to a grasshopper,” but the grasshopper in question is very large and has abnormally long shins. Please...
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If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, I Would’ve Prayed Less and Written MoreThough her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to...
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An Open Letter from Myself to Myself from Before I Learned That Backyard Bird Feeders Require Biweekly CleaningDear Me, What, you think your bird feeders clean themselves? That rainstorms are Mother Nature’s dishwasher, making everything just ducky...
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As President, I Will Champion Gen X RightsWassup, fellow slackers, poseurs, losers, stoners, and the dorks smart enough to make loot before the dot-com crash. I said yo, wassup! Not...
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Ten Things to Say at Your Next Meeting Instead of “To Piggyback off Your Idea”1. “Let me ponyride off your idea and add…” 2. “To horsey ride off your idea, let me just say…” 3. “No matter...
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The 25th Annual Conference of Women Mentioned in Rock LyricsRegistration is now open for our silver jubilee conference, where the women behind some of rock’s most famous songs will gather at the Hotel...
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Cormac McCarthy’s Valentine’s Day Candy HeartsTaken from works of the late great Cormac McCarthy. - - -
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You Should Give Me a Compliment Because I Will Take It Really WellAs a calm, balanced person with a suitable amount of self-esteem and a low level of neurosis, I’m happy to receive what you’re about to say in the...
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Family Tours in the Kingdom of the Sick: Extending Our Stay, or the Long QTWhen COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart...
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How I Went 0 for 10 in My Super Bowl Prop Bets1. Will Reba McEntire end the National Anthem by calling for a ceasefire? YES 2. Will the team kicking off first use a holder who will yank...
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Middle-Aged Concertgoer Mad LibsYour partner bought two tickets to see BAND YOU ONLY HEAR NOW AT THE DMV & CVS . “What do I wear?” you wonder....
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Letters to Moms: A Letter to Lorelai GilmoreIn this column , Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a...
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Sexy Valentine’s Day Date Ideas That Honor the Life and Faith of Saint ValentineCook a seductive homemade third-century Roman meal of millet and turnips lightly drizzled in your finest vinegar Enjoy the thrill of a full-day...
