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Family Tours in the Kingdom of the Sick: Checking InWhen COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart...
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Lines from the Barbie Monologue or Something I’ve Said to Another Woman in a Bar Bathroom After Three Martinis1. “You are so beautiful, and so smart!” 2. “It is literally impossible to be a woman!” 3. “It kills me that you...
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As I Say in My BookThank you for having me on. I’m a huge fan of your show. I appreciate the opportunity to steer all discussion toward mentions of my book....
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Letters to Moms: A Letter to Marge SimpsonIn this recurring column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on...
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An Open Letter to the Real Estate Agent Who Assumed I Was the HousekeeperDear Ambitious Real Estate Agent, It was the leggings, wasn’t it? I didn’t plan on buying them, but my daughter’s best friend’s mom was hosting...
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I’m “Flexible Instruction Day,” Formerly Known as “Snow Day”I, your beloved Snow Day, am excited to share that I’ve been meditating a lot lately and have decided to reinvent myself as the Flexible...
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Reviews of New Food: Morningstar Farms Incogmeato Plant-Based Pancake & Sausage on a StickWhen I went vegan, the single hardest delicacy to give up was my daily sausage wrapped in a pancake and eaten on a popsicle stick. Breakfasts were...
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I Am the Balance on Your Gift Card, Unknowable, EternalRemember me? I’m that gift card some clueless Secret Santa gave you months ago, maybe years. You used me once, then forgot all about me. Oh,...
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More Specific Oscar Categories for the Academy to ConsiderSpecial Achievement in Dog Acting Most Based on a Book Loudest Original Song Best Actress in a Silent Wife Role Most Animated Lizard...
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A Tribute to a Fallen Culture Warrior“Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida suspended his campaign for president on Sunday and endorsed former President Donald J. Trump, marking a...
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How to Nail Your High School Graduation Speech Even If You’re Not That PopularIn this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a...
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Long-Time Single Procures Boyfriend: Field NotesNov. 20 – 11 p.m. After several weeks of courtship, I have established a partnership with a human male. In a brief yet giddy discussion,...
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Sorry, Percy Jackson, Camp Half-Blood Registration Closed Before I Could Sign You UpI know, I messed up. I didn’t claim a spot for you at Camp Half-Blood, and now they’re saying it’s full, and you have to join the waitlist. I...
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Chronicles of a Catsitter: Breast Augmentation in the BronxMai Tran began catsitting in 2021 while Tran was on pandemic unemployment, often staying overnight in people’s homes. Tran has now cared...
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I’m Edgar Allan Poe’s Landlord, and He Will Not Be Getting His Security Deposit BackDear Mister Poe, At the end of this month, we will be reaching the conclusion of your one-year lease. I wish I could say that I am sorry to see...
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Sure, We’ve Made Some Mistakes Here at Global Fast Fashion, Inc., but Do You Want Two-Dollar Cargo Pants or Not?Look, we aren’t perfect, but we’re trying. It’s not as easy as it sounds to produce 11,000 new pieces of merchandise every two...
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Sorry Not Sorry: A Eulogy for the Notes App ApologyA 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the...
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Increasingly Stressful U-Haul Rental OptionsAt U-Haul, we believe that your ability to drive a midsize sedan qualifies you to drive a ten-thousand-pound box truck. But why stop there? We...
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Jackson Lamb, Yoga InstructorFirst things first, I’m the only one in this class allowed to fart. If any of you sods break wind, I’ll break your finger and ship you back to...
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Short Conversations with Poets: Xi ChuanXi Chuan has again been translated by Lucas Klein, this time in a volume called Bloom and Other Poems . Xi Chuan’s poems, as they emerge in...
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TNT’s Inside the Second American Civil War Presented by TargetFor the duration of the war, the producers have replaced Shaquille O’Neal on the panel with James McPherson, the legendary historian of the...
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A Note from the Cleaning Staff to the Residents of SaltburnDear Young Masters, Mistresses, and Distinguished Guests, Over countless generations, it has been our honor to wait upon the lords and ladies of...
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An Interview with Tim Heidecker About His New Book From the BusComedian and musician Tim Heidecker hit the road last summer for his Two Tims tour. It featured two acts: a stand-up comedy set by his...
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I Just Caught Up with Everything After Waking from an Eight-Year Coma, and You’re Telling Me He Could Be Elected Again?Thanks for the flowers, Tim. I suppose no one exactly expects to randomly fall into a ninety-six-month-long coma—it’s all still a bit...
