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A Day in the Life of Today’s Parent, as Imagined by GrandparentsIn the morning, my son and daughter wander downstairs whenever they want. I don’t bother waking them at a reasonable hour, since my highest...
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If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, I Would’ve Married a Man with a PensionMonday’s child is fair of face, Tuesday’s child is full of grace. Wednesday’s child is full of woe, Thursday’s child...
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Martin Luther King Jr. Would Have Wanted You to Buy This TimeshareWhen Martin Luther King Jr. walked up the steps to the Lincoln Memorial, he delivered a speech that would change history. With passion and...
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After a Decade of Working on My Thesis, I Think I Have Finally Nailed My Acknowledgments PageThis dissertation [ will not have been? is never going to be? ] would not have been possible without the unending guidance and oversight of my [...
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Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps: The One with All the Websites2024 REPUBLICAN PRIMARY DEBATE DES MOINES , IOWA JANUARY 10, 2024 8:00 PM: CNN’s debate opens in Des Moines, where the...
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All the Types of Science Fiction1. Check this place out, it’s dope 2. Technology solves problems (future good) 3. Technology creates problems (future bad) 4. A world much...
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If Zeus Had Instagram- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Short Conversations with Poets: Jane HirshfieldJane Hirshfield’s New and Selected is such a generous bounty—first of all it is essentially a new book of poems, a departure from older...
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Shit, Looks Like Our Product Very Literally “Revolutionized the Industry”Wow. First off, all of us executives are flattered to see so many, many thousands of people here supporting our product. The flowers, the...
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The Mainstream Media Doesn’t Want You to Know This Thing I Just Learned from the Mainstream MediaListen up, lemmings, because I’m about to clue you in to some hard truths. The mainstream media is trying to keep you in the dark about this...
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Best Joke Ever: Four Arms Full of the Funniest Jack Kirby CharacterChicago humorist Mark Peters is obsessed with reading, writing, hearing, telling—and now, writing about—jokes. In each essay, he looks at a...
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An Open Letter to Jeremy Allen White Regarding His Recent Calvin Klein AdDear Mr. White, It is with an uneasy mixture of consternation and lust that we received, via Instagram, your latest thirst trap . We see that...
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You Should Try Running, According to Me, Your Friend Who Won’t Shut Up About RunningHave you tried running? It’s exhilarating. Really, I mean it. Running changed my life. Before running, I’d order pasta without...
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Your AI Boss Is Back from Vacation and Full of New IdeasHello, team — It’s great to be back from vacation. As your AI boss, I’m ready to reassert my total dominance around...
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Our Most-Read Pieces of 2023Thanks to all our contributors for another funny year of satire. 1. AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PAIR OF GEN -Z MEN IN THE...
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Macroeconomic Changes Have Made It Impossible for Me to Want to Pay YouOur 2nd most-read article of 2023. - - - Originally published January 24, 2023. - - - “Google announced plans to lay off...
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Fifteen Long-Overdue Slang Terms for Female MasturbationOur 10th most-read article of 2023. - - - Originally published January 10, 2023. - - - 1. Digging for Clams What the hell is Betsy...
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Signs That You’re Ready to Wear TaupeOur 12th most-read article of 2023. - - - Originally published February 16, 2023. - - - You’ve been on the lookout for a cardigan in...
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Introducing Total Crap, the First Magazine Written Entirely by AIOur 13th most-read article of 2023. - - - Originally published February 13, 2023. - - - Amid doomsaying pronouncements that the...
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Ron DeSantis Answers Questions about Your PeriodOur 16th most-read article of 2023. - - - Originally published March 20, 2023. - - - “As local bills on gender, sexuality,...
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The Wedding Vows of Someone Marrying Their “Best Friend”Our 18th most-read article of 2023. - - - Originally published March 24, 2023. - - - Josh, I can’t believe that our big day is...
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This Woman in Labor Is Gonna Love My DrummingThe miracle of birth is so incredibly beautiful to behold. Do you know the only thing that could make it better? Percussion. Nothing calms...
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Other Lists Santa Checks TwiceGrocery List - - - Bucket List - - - The Not Naughty but Not Quite Nice List - - - The Aughty List - - - Playlist...
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Mary’s Mother Visits the MangerMary, sorry we’re late. Traffic was completely donkey-to-donkey. I told your father not to follow the same damn star everyone else was, but...
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We Wrote Section Three of the Fourteenth Amendment, and We Damn Well Meant What We SaidConstitutional Framers here. We’re just sending a little missive to clear up some confusion. We hear there’s been a bit of hullabaloo...
