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An Open Letter to People Who Hate the Paul McCartney Song “Wonderful Christmastime”Dear People Who Hate the Paul McCartney Song “Wonderful Christmastime,” Hi, it’s me. I’m that person who loves the song...
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If Sam Wainwright Says “Hee-Haw” One More Time, I’m Going to Fucking SnapSo, we’re watching The Bells of St. Mary’s for the fifth time—wholesome movie, so much more fun than hot jazz and lively...
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If Sam Wainwright Says “Hee-Haw” One More Time, I’m Going to Fucking Kill HimSo, we’re watching The Bells of St. Mary’s for the fifth time—wholesome movie, so much more fun than hot jazz and lively...
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Short Conversations with Poets: Timmy StrawThe Thomas Salto , Timmy Straw’s debut collection, offers what very little poetry in our time seems to manage: work that is both overtly...
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Abbott and Costello and the Grinch Watch a Baseball Game Between the Whos Down in WhovilleABBOTT : Since it has historically caused us heartache, I’m going to grab a program with all the players’ names printed in it. (...
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Welcome to Big Chet’s Landlord Supply Store, Featuring the Jankiest Appliances of All TimeYOU’VE TRIED THE BEST . NOW TRY THE REST AT BIG CHET’S LANDLORD SUPPLY STORE KITCHEN , BATH , BEDROOM , ELECTRICAL...
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The Virgin Mary’s Baby RegistryIt’s been months now since Archangel Gabriel announced I would conceive and bear the Son of God through virgin birth. If you’re receiving this...
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We’ve Remodeled Our Bathroom, So Now You Have to Take a Dump Behind a Sliding Barn DoorWelcome, come on in. Let me give you a tour of our new bathroom. We’ve painted the walls a beautiful sage green, installed a double sink...
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Cosmo Headlines from the 1880sTen Steamy Tips That’ll Blow His Mind and Cure His Polio How to Ask for the Right to Vote Without Seeming Naggy What Is the Clitoris? A Doctor...
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It’s a Comedian’s Job to Make Fun of Everybody, and That’s Why My Act Is Entirely About 1880s Paleontologist Othniel MarshKeep the applause going for our host tonight. That guy has some great jokes. In fact, his jokes are so good they make me want to pull an “1880s...
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Here Are the Winners of Our 2023 Column ContestAfter an eight-year hiatus, our Column Contest triumphantly returned (thanks in no small part to the support from our Patreon members ). We...
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From the Journal of Daniel Smith, a Character in the Apple II Version of The Oregon TrailDaniel Smith embarked upon the trail within the Apple II computer game, under the guidance of fifth grader Jordan Welch of Ann Arbor, Michigan,...
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Excerpts from McSweeney’s Quarterly: Winner of the Stephen Dixon Award for Short Fiction: Kristina Ten’s “ADJECTIVE”The Stephen Dixon Award for Short Fiction recognizes an emerging fiction writer who is experimenting with form and expanding the boundaries of...
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Yep, This Supporting Character Is Definitely About to DieAdventuring Farmhand I’m sore for home, Mister Barts. The first thing I’m going to do when I get back is start a family. I’m...
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An Open Letter to the Eleven Adults Responsible for the Majority of Book Bans in SchoolsDear Eleven Adults Responsible for the Majority of Book Bans in Schools, I’m sorry for that cold salutation. I don’t know all your names yet....
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Mary Bailey’s Christmas Week To-Do ListDecember 24 Deck the halls, etc. Prep full turkey dinner Make sure Janie nails down “Hark!” TINSEL See if George remembers to pick...
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Short Conversations with Poets: Ishion Hutchinson“What is terrifying about happiness? / Happiness.” It’s a line from Ishion Hutchinson’s 2016 book of poems, House of Lords and Commons , and...
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Why We Are Retiring the Pillsbury DoughboyHere at Pillsbury, we’ve made the difficult decision to retire our longstanding mascot the Pillsbury Doughboy. He is a bad coworker and a relic of...
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First Runner Up for the Stephen Dixon Award for Short Fiction: Maz Do’s “When the Moths Came”The Stephen Dixon Award for Short Fiction recognizes an emerging fiction writer who is experimenting with form and expanding the boundaries of...
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Announcing the Winner of the Stephen Dixon Award for Short FictionThe Stephen Dixon Award for Short Fiction honors the extraordinary work and life of long-time McSweeney’s author Stephen Dixon. The prize...
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How Every Recipe on The Great British Baking Show Sounds to Us Die-Hard American ViewersIngredients 425 ml of Marley’s Spirit or Dandelion & Burdock Fizz 225 grammes of jellied eel blood (harvested by the muck swallows...
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Only One Person Is Allowed to Gentle-Parent My Kid, and That’s Keanu ReevesWhen my child is enraged that they can’t have a bowl of whipped cream and sprinkles in the morning, you might think I’d acknowledge...
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We Are Wirecutter, and Last Winter We Sent Eighty-Six Reporters to Test Fifteen Hundred Artificial Christmas Trees. Twelve Haven’t ReturnedWe believed we were capable of anything. We had already used 22,000 bagels to test 280 brands of toasters in North America. We sent twenty-five...
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Hungover Bear and Friends: Dream BigTo help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our former columnists for...
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Everything a Barber Could Do During a Haircut Before I Speak UpCut my hair too short Start trimming my ear hair Force me to have an opinion on the ’86 Mets to avoid a lull in the conversation Cut my hair...
