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Inflation Is High, So I’m Voting for Gork the MercilessIt’s time to decide who will govern our people. We’ve been hit with higher-than-normal inflation and seen costs for basic commodities...
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Saying Yes to Every Add-On at Jiffy LubeCLERK : Hi, Mr. Gordon. We’ll just get you checked in here and discuss options. For the oil change, we have standard oil, high mileage, and...
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Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps: The One With the Lady Moderators2024 REPUBLICAN 4TH GOP PRIMARY DEBATE TUSCALOOSA , ALABAMA DECEMBER 6, 2023 - - - 8:00 PM: The fourth and (hopefully) final...
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Scenes from a Hallmark Hanukkah Movie Written by Someone Who Has Definitely Met a JewEXT. SMALL TOWN BUS STOP – DAY ( A beautiful woman with slightly wavy brown hair steps off a bus. She’s RACHEL , a...
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Answering Questions at the Climate Summit After My Speech in Support of Oil World“At least 2,456 fossil fuel lobbyists have been granted access to the Cop28 climate negotiations, according to an analysis.” — The...
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Short Conversations with Poets: Anne CarsonAnne Carson’s writing does not concern itself with the question of genre, though it’s probably most accurate to think of her as a poet. Frequently...
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A Gift-Wrapping Guide for Recently Divorced DadsAuthor’s Note: This article contains helpful tips for wrapping ONLY . For gift ideas, please see our previous guide for dads titled...
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My Life Before and After Turning Twenty-Six and Losing My Parents’ Health InsuranceAge 25: Sure, I’ll try rock climbing. No harness? No worries. My life is carefree because I’ve never seen or paid for a medical...
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What It Means When a Woman Says She Is “Sex Positive,” According to Brian from HingeSex-positive women are kinky and down for anything with anyone, all the time. Sex-positive women take a strong positive stance on having sex...
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I’m a Holiday Gift Guide Writer, and I Really Need You Pricks to Start Playing BackgammonOn the whole, I love my job writing holiday gift guides. I get to curate beautiful lists designed to help you, the consumer, bring joy to your...
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Bitchslap: A Column About Women and Fighting: Fun Train to FightvilleTo help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our former columnists for...
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The National Lyrics or Things My Dad Says While Refusing to Check Google Maps?1. “Go back to sleep, let me drive, let me think, let me figure it out.” 2. “I can’t get around the river in front of me.” 3. “I don’t know,...
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A Message from the Chancellor on the Recent Student ProtestDear members of the University community, The University administration respects all student protests, just not this one. Students have fought...
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We Can’t Wait to Be Part of Your Neighborhood, but First We Need to Dig This Massive HoleHello there, neighbor. We are your friendly corporation moving in next door. We’re taking over this six-story building that used to house...
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A Garnet Hill Lady Does MDMALet’s microdose in my softest micro French terry sweatshirt gown. Let’s do Molly under my heritage-quality Molly Patchwork Quilt. Let’s celebrate...
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An Open Letter to the Family Court Lawyer Who Represented Me in 2012 and Sends Me a Holiday Card Every YearDear Pam, Thank you for thinking of me and my son for the past eleven years as you and the rest of your firm’s staff gather around to add...
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“Just Say the Word, and I’ll Bring My Whole Heart to Anything”: Remembering Gabe HudsonGabe Hudson passed away last week. It’s a terrible and unconscionable loss that doesn’t feel real yet, so I’ve spent the last...
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Short Conversations with Poets: Gary SnyderFor six decades or more, Gary Snyder has written a poetry of experience. And a poetry, almost always, of a brusque wisdom with the...
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A Letter to Mayor Grace Slick About the Problems in Her CityTo help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our current and former...
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Please Buy Tesla’s Cybertruck, Which Is Cool, Not StupidYou gotta get this Tesla Cybertruck, bro. It’s great. Am I a paid spokesperson? Sort of. I’m a person who paid $8 a month to...
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Realistic Cold-Weather Clothing Options for TweensPolar Vest This down-filled vest is super soft and is guaranteed to keep kids warm and toasty. Your tween will flat-out refuse to wear it for...
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Norse Mythology for Bostonians: An Excerpt from Rowdy Geirsson’s The Impudent Edda- - - For the first time ever, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency’s longtime columnist Rowdy Geirsson has translated his extensive archival...
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Your Amazon Order of Reusable Metal Straws Is Currently on Its Way Via the Most Ecologically Devastating Route You Could ImagineSHIPPED : Your Amazon Order of GaiaGulp Earth-Friendly Metal Straws and EcoGO Reusable Shopping Bags is on its way to you in Chicago....
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Items Your Local HomeGoods Insists You Need This HolidayA gourmet bottle of peppermint-flavored extra Virgin Mary Olive Oil A box of edible ornaments that are inedible Twin-size flannel sheet set...
