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Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps: The One with All the War Mongering2024 REPUBLICAN 3RD GOP PRIMARY DEBATE MIAMI , FLORIDA NOVEMBER 8, 2023 - - - 8:01 PM: The debate begins with a more somber...
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A Letter from McSweeney’s Executive DirectorDear reader, By scrolling through McSweeney’s humor website, you’re already an important part of what we do and why we’re...
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This Week’s Punctuation Power Rankings10. Curly Brackets (fancy brackets) Last week: 10 Calm down, Curly Brackets. You think you’re so fancy? Like you’re so much...
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Baby, You Know I’m Not Good at Math, but I Do Know That You + Me = SomethingBaby, you know I’m not a mathematician. You know that adding simple numbers isn’t something I can do. You know that subtracting simple...
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Short Conversations with Poets: Safiya SinclairIf your encounter with these poems is anything like mine, the first thing you might experience is pure music: the thick stunning gorgeous sound at...
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An Apology to the Other Parents at Our Kids’ Bus Stop for How Incredibly Boring I AmIt’s somehow only day forty-seven of bus stop pickup duty. As I approach, I can see the wince behind your polite smile. I don’t blame you—I...
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A Concession Speech by a Candidate Who Just Lost to a Dog MayorI want to start by saying thank you—for being here, for your dedication, and for your unwavering commitment to this campaign. It has been the...
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Questions for Your PCP About Having COVID in 2023Q: I’ve just learned I have COVID . Should I— A: Wait. Are you over seventy, and/or are you functioning without an immune system, and/or did...
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Physics for ToddlersThe Amelia Uncertainty Principle. As confidence in your toddler’s current shoe size increases, consistency in sizing across shoe...
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Our Elevator Is Having Some IssuesDear Residents, While this elevator was being serviced yesterday, the emergency phone was inadvertently disabled. We are taping this note to...
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You Have Reached the Turning-Thirty HelplineThank you for calling the Turning-Thirty Helpline for People Having Big Feelings About Turning Thirty. We’re here to help you navigate the...
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Chris White Answers Profound Questions About the Presidents: Who’s in the Presidential Boy Band?To help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our favorite former columnists...
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The All-Time Best Moments from America’s Got LettuceAs America’s Got Lettuce ends its run, it’s the perfect time to look back at the contestant performances and judge reactions that made it the...
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I’m the Owner of Your Town’s Mediocre Pizzeria, and There’s Nothing You Can Do About ItWho doesn’t like good pizza? Delicious mozzarella that stretches as you pull the slice from your mouth. Sauce from the finest Roma tomatoes...
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Reasons Your Landlord Is Keeping Your Security DepositThe apartment felt too “lived in.” You hosted a Friendsgiving two years ago and didn’t invite him. You left a heartfelt thank you note on the...
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What to Do When You Encounter Your Time-Traveling Future SelfWelcome, Freshmen. As you embark on the most incredible adventure of your life, the staff and faculty of Nonspecific Southern California High...
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Announcing the Return of Our Column ContestTo celebrate our twenty-fifth anniversary of online existence, we’re happy to announce the return of our Column Contest. We held this...
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I Wished on a Monkey’s Paw and Now We’re Stuck with Biden vs. Trump ForeverOctober 2084 It’s time to confess. It’s my fault that every presidential election for the past sixty-four years has been Biden vs....
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The Dad from Hocus Pocus Wants to Know What the Fuck Happened to His HouseSon, I’m trying my best not to lose my temper here, but it’s tough when there’s a hole the size of a Ford Taurus in our roof and...
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Our City’s New Initiative Will End Homelessness by Calling It Something ElseThe housing crisis in our city is reaching a breaking point. Something has to be done to help the struggling members of our community, which is...
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The Problem Is the Human Finger“At the end of the day, the problem is the human heart. It’s not guns. It’s not the weapons.” — Speaker of the House Mike Johnson - - - The...
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This Ghost Is Haunting Me WeirdHow did you sleep last night? Not great, honestly. How come? Look, I wasn’t going to tell you, Holly, because I know you get freaked out by...
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Kevin Dolgin Tells You About Places You Should Go in Europe: A Mile-Long Footpath Through Field and Wood Somewhere North of Cambridge, EnglandTo help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our favorite former columnists...
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I Don’t Care if It’s Ninety Degrees, It’s Fall and I’m Wearing a Damn SweaterHello there. Happy Halloween. I see you’ve noticed I’m wearing a sweater. Yes, I realize it’s ninety degrees, but I do not care. It is late...
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Sex Ed in Florida is Now Just a Video of Ron DeSantis Playing the “Lime in the Coconut” Song on the Bongos“Florida schools are not required to teach sex education. However, they are required to teach health education that includes instruction...
