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So, You’ve Decided to Start Listening to Radiohead in Your Mid-ThirtiesCongratulations—the metamorphosis you didn’t know you needed has just begun. Whether you’ve stumbled upon OK Computer while...
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A Letter to the Parents that Gave My Son Charlie a Bunch of Rocks for HalloweenFellow parents, I am so angry and drunk right now that I am shaking. This evening, our young son spent several unsupervised hours...
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Short Conversations with Poets: John BurnsideJohn Burnside was born in 1955 and became a published poet almost by accident. For a while, he worked as software engineer. After long days—or in...
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I Love When the Leaves Turn Beautiful Colors and Fall to Their DeathsI love this time of year, when leaves change color and die right in front of me. Nothing prettier than a deceased leaf hanging from a tree in its...
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For Your Crimes, You Have Been Sentenced to Unpaid Labor at a Pumpkin PatchYou have been found guilty of being basic during the month of October. For your heinous act, you have been sentenced to a pumpkin patch, where you...
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We Must Give Equal Airtime to the Democratic Incumbent and the Guy Who Wants Everyone to Drink Their Own PissDear viewers, At our news network, we have received a number of complaints about our current political coverage. Some of you have insisted that...
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Statement from the University on Current Tensions in the Place You’re Probably Thinking About When You Read ThisDear Students, We are saddened by the tremendous loss of life in many of the places you’ve read about—you know the ones, we don’t need to name...
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For Safety Reasons, Trick-or-Treating Will Not Be Held on Halloween This YearTo keep our kids safe, there will be no trick-or-treating on Halloween this year. See below for alternate events and times in your area....
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Fragments from Speaker! The MusicalTo help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our favorite former columnists...
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Son, You Will Not Binge-Watch LOST—You’ll Watch One Episode a Week and Be Frustrated Like Mom and I DidIt’s come to my attention that you’ve plowed through two seasons of LOST in five days. You think it’s “a pretty cool...
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Eleven Things You Will Never Hear an American Say on House Hunters International1. “Oh, we don’t care about closets!” 2. “These steep Dutch stairs seem super safe.” 3. “We’re fine...
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A Modern-Day Fan’s NotesTo help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our favorite former columnists...
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Hall & Oates Songs Rewritten for Being a Woman in New York City in Your Twenties“Sara, You Should Smile More” Baby hair with a woman’s eyes (but not in a creepy way) You can feel me watching you in the...
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This Core Workout Will Make Your Abs Ponder the Futility of Believing in GodListen up, core-heads. Are you ready to get shready? Because this insane lower torso circuit is guaranteed to DESTROY your abs by forcing them...
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As CEO of BattleBots, I Assure You There’s Almost No Danger of the Robots Becoming Self-Aware and Killing UsIt’s almost robot fightin’ time again, folks! Of course, I’m more excited than anybody to be going into our twentieth (!!!) season of sparks...
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Short Conversations with Poets: Robyn SchiffRobyn Schiff’s work has long demonstrated that American poetry can be both ornamental and discursive, both formally inventive and intimate. But...
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Rom-Com Titles That Also Work for Horror MoviesKnocked Up Rosemary’s Baby Must Love Dogs Cujo You’ve Got Mail Zodiac Confessions of a Shopaholic American Psycho How to...
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Sure, Trump Is an Authoritarian Grifter, but at Least He’s Three Years Younger Than BidenAs I sit here in every midwestern diner eating my chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes while drinking a non-woke beer, I have to shoo away the...
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We’re Scrapping Our Gen Ed Model in Favor of Survival Skills TrainingDear Colleagues, The University will soon announce plans to overhaul the gen ed program recently adopted by the Faculty Senate. The new program,...
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So, You Assume I Do Not Know of the Wide-Leg Jean?You, step forth. What is this… jean… you wear about your waist, child? A “’90s Crop”? Is that really what they call it now?...
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What Do We Want…?–What do we want?! –WAGES. –When do we want them?! –NOW. –What do we need?! –BATHROOMS. –When do we need them? –NOW. –Now, as in...
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I Cannot Believe You Heartlessly Threw Away the Sixteenth Craft I Brought Home from Preschool This WeekWhile on my way to dispose of a breakfast of which I only took three bites, I noticed something that has broken my heart: The sixteenth craft I...
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Sure You Can Regulate My Uterus, But You’ll Have to Find it FirstWhere’s my uterus? Wouldn’t you like to know. I’ll give you a clue. Last week my uterus was in one of the undisclosed locations where DICK...
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For My Next Death-Defying Stunt, I Will Walk Across This CrosswalkLadies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves. For horror. For excitement. For a spine-tingling journey straight through the heart of hell, where all...
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Bonnie Raitt or a Paranoid Recluse Talking to His Cat?1. People are talkin’ 2. Talkin’ ’bout PEOPLE 3. I hear ’em whisperin’ 4. You won’t believe it 5. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm 6. They think...
