http://feeds.feedburner.com/mcsweeneys
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Just to Confirm, We’re All Still Wearing Shorts Tonight, Right?Hey, bud. I’m just checking in to see if everyone’s still wearing shorts to dinner later. I distinctly remember us all agreeing tonight would be...
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Seeking Representation for My Unbannable BookDear Literary Agent — As you know, it’s a tough time in the publishing industry right now. Concerned citizens are demanding that certain...
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The Faculty Mental Health Fair Has Been Postponed AgainDear Faculty: Due to concerns expressed by the students, parents, and staff, you are invited to attend a mandatory emergency mental health fair...
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Thanks to a Generous Donation, the United States Supreme Court Will Be Renamed the Koch Center for Justice“[Supreme Court Justice] Thomas has attended at least two Koch donor summits, putting him in the extraordinary position of having helped a...
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What I’ll Do with the One Week I Can Wear My Sensible Fall JacketWhen the Hunter’s Moon approaches… When the flowers begin to wilt with chill… When the coffee shops begin unveiling new and exciting lattes…...
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It’s Decorative Gourd Season, MotherfuckersOriginally published October 9, 2009. - - - I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and...
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Welcome to Rosalita’s Boarding House for Girls and Women Rescued by Bruce Springsteen from Dead-End Small TownsHello, [Wendy / Mary / Sherry / Sandy / Kitty / Candy / unnamed “little girl”] , and welcome to Rosalita’s. No doubt you were...
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Things That Count as WritingJotting down some ideas? That counts as writing, since brainstorming is an essential part of the writing process. Taking a shower or bath?...
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Take Us to Your Leader, the One They Call Jake from State FarmGreetings, Earth farmer. We come in peace. Take us to your leader, the one they call Jake from State Farm. Snake farm? This is not State Farm?...
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New York Times’ Connections, Toddler EditionInspired by the original game , of course. - - - Click puzzle for the solution.
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Let’s Sell Your Basic House for More Than a Million Goddamn DollarsFolks, I’ve got three questions for you… What do you mean “how did I get in here”? I’ll ask the questions, sir. I...
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Our Docuseries Horrible Person Sheds an Important Light on Our Streaming Service’s True Crime OfferingsThere are so many terrible things happening in the world today—things that the public deserves to know about. We feel it’s our duty to...
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A Review by the Couple That Only Rented This Airbnb to BangWe had a lovely stay at Josh and Brandon’s cozy mountain cottage. Our hosts included many thoughtful touches that made the place really feel like...
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Who Made This Hummus?Elaine, did you make this hummus? No. It’s really good. Okay, but I didn’t make it. - - - David, did you make this hummus? Nope....
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If People in Other Professions Talked About Their Jobs Like Poets Talk About PoetryI am the fire that I fight. You don’t craft customized soap bars made from organic goat’s milk because you want to craft customized soap bars...
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Son, You’re Old Enough to Know the Truth, There is No Such Thing as the “Invisible Hand of the Market”Son, you’re eight years old now, and you’ll probably hear this soon enough from the other kids on the playground anyway, so I might as...
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Knight of the Round Table or Involuntary Grunting Noise I Make Getting Up from a Deep Chair?1. Agravain! 2. Aglovale! 3. Bagdemagus! 4. Chuffachoo! 5. Lancelot! 6. Galahad! 7. Sagramore! 8. Oompazaz! 9. Dinadan! 10....
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I Am the Lord Your God, and I Want You to Know That I Invented BonersHear ye, My disciples, for I speak upon you a great truth: It has come to My understanding that many of you who would love Me do not understand My...
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Our Kitchen Renovation, Which We Started Five and a Half Years Ago, Is Back On TrackWhen we first met Richard Ballard of Ballard Design & Construction, my wife and I were incredibly excited to get started on a kitchen...
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Lauren Boebert Gets Kicked Out of the Musical “Beetlejuice”: The Musical“U.S. Representative Lauren Boebert was escorted out of a Sunday night performance of the ‘Beetlejuice’ musical in downtown...
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Short Conversations with Poets: Elisa GonzalezThere’s a raw and sinewy energy to Elisa Gonzalez’s line. Her debut collection, Grand Tour , clarified and found its final form in the years...
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We Are Thrilled to Announce We Have Invented Portals, but Are Saddened to Reveal They SuckWe, the computer scientists and engineers of this nation, are pleased to announce that we have invented actual, real-life portals. However, we are...
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Mike Pence on That Time When the Insurrectionists Wanted to Hang HimOn the campaign trail, I get asked a lot of awkward questions: “How did it feel when Trump’s supporters wanted to hang you?”;...
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Using the Phenomenology of Farts to Teach My Son About RacismMy son is ten, and recently he asked me something about racism. And in the middle of it, he farted. “Dad, with racism, are there like,...
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Who I Become After Squeezing a Single Lemon into My Glass of WaterThe faucet fills my glass with water, but I don’t dare take a sip yet. As I squeeze the lemon into my drink, I mentally levitate. It’s...
