http://feeds.feedburner.com/mcsweeneys
-
![]()
Welcoming Remarks Made at a Literary Reading, 9/25/01Every year, we wonder what might be appropriate on this day, and we can never think of anything more appropriate than this piece, which John...
-
![]()
My Saturday Self Versus My Sunday SelfSaturday: I sleep for seven restful hours and am gently awakened by the warmth of the rising sun. The world is full of promise. Sunday: I...
-
![]()
Universally Acknowledged Truths for High School TeachersIt is a truth universally acknowledged that a teacher in possession of one hundred essays to grade must be in want of a new season of Bridgerton...
-
![]()
For Just Forty Hours a Week of Intense Work Outside Your Full-Time Job, You Too Can Make Passive IncomeAre you tired of not being rich? Do you want to make thousands of extra dollars every month without breaking a sweat? Great news: all you need...
-
![]()
Types of Acting Still Permitted Under SAG-AFTRA’s Strike RulesListening to the waiter tell you about the specials even though you picked out your entire meal online on the way to the restaurant. Opening a...
-
![]()
Loki Throws a Toga PartyArt by Matt Smith - - - So now Loki’s stahtin’ tah feel a bit down n’ all since Odin keeps givin’ him shit fah r’all his vahrious...
-
![]()
Plato’s Cave Regrets to Inform You It Will Be Raising Its RentTo all inhabitants of Plato’s Cave, If you are receiving this letter, it means you have been designated a tenant of the cave—i.e., you are...
-
![]()
Welcome to Your Menopausal VaginaCongratulations, you have officially leveled up to menopause. You might be feeling anxious about the many ways that your body is changing,...
-
![]()
Our Self-Driving Cars Will Save Countless Lives, But They Will Kill Some of You FirstI’m going to say something you wouldn’t expect from the CEO of a car company: America’s roads are a warzone. Over 40,000 traffic fatalities in...
-
![]()
McSweeney’s Books: An Excerpt from Daddy Boy by Emerson Whitney- - - Daddy Boy follows Emerson as he packs into a van full of strangers and drives up and down the country—staying in Days Inns, eating...
-
![]()
Sleep Tips for New Parents from the Sleep Paralysis DemonCongratulations on your new offspring. I’ve been preparing for this ever since you started waking up to pee every hour. Are you getting tons of...
-
![]()
An Honest Guide to Your New Inflatable Standup Paddleboard1. Check the receipt for your new inflatable standup paddleboard. It’s been six months since you ordered it after drunkenly scrolling your...
-
![]()
Art Dogs- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-
![]()
Are You an Exhausted Parent of Small Children or a Common Raccoon?1. You have dark circles around your eyes. 2. You look absolutely feral when caught off guard by flash photography. 3. Your behavior is...
-
![]()
I, Kitty Bennett, Have Fallen for a Man Who Busted Out the Splits on the Dance FloorDearest Lydia, It is a truth universally acknowledged that a gentleman is never more attractive than when he drops his exquisitely toned...
-
![]()
Welcome to Your Benevolent King’s Bottomless PitGreetings! If you’re reading this semi-legible note, it means that you’ve royally ticked off King Stenkill the Merciless, and you now find...
-
![]()
Reviews of New Food: Trader Joe’s Tiny Fruity CutiesLike many ’90s kids, I lusted after the panoply of colorful, sugary cereals that were marketed to us in a never-ending parade of cartoon mascots,...
-
![]()
Say What You Want About Joseph Stalin, At Least He Wasn’t OldJoseph Stalin was a brutal tyrant. When he took power, he began a totalitarian regime, imprisoned and executed thousands of citizens, and...
-
![]()
Short Conversations with Poets: Timothy DonnellyTimothy Donnelly’s new book, Chariot , is a genius sweep of quatrains—almost all of them consist of five stanzas, long-lined, sheer music....
-
![]()
A Few Words from Your AI-Powered VibratorHello, human woman who smells like moth pheromones and eats ice cream alone in tubs. It’s been a while. As your BabelRabbit Model 0G 94914-7,...
-
![]()
I Didn’t Follow the Recipe, and I’m Appalled It Turned Out So AwfulONE STAR . If I could, I’d give it zero stars. I cannot believe I wasted six hours making this so-called banana bread. I did everything right....
-
![]()
I Don’t Have Much Interest in Talking to You, But Our Toddlers Just Started Playing Together at This Playground, So I Guess We’re Doing ThisWhat’s that, Mikey? A piece of playground mulch? Nice. Let’s put that in our bucket, okay? Oh, and who’s this? Hey there. Mikey, it looks like...
-
![]()
Let Me, a Man Accused of Sexual Harassment Against a Football Player, Explain Feminism to You“Fake feminism does not seek justice, doesn’t seek the truth, doesn’t care about people. I repeat, they are preparing an...
-
![]()
What Is and Is Not a VibeNeon lights on diner signs are a vibe. Neon lights as art is not a vibe. Midcentury modern is no longer a vibe. Art Nouveau is back in vibe....
-
![]()
It’s Time for the Monthly Text to Confirm Our FriendshipHello, and welcome to our adult friendship. It can be hard to maintain close friendships upon reaching adulthood, and that’s why we’ve streamlined...
