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Grab a Quick Lunch at Our Fast-Casual Slop TroughCalling all office warriors and lunchtime heroes, a brand-new FEED is coming to this location. If you haven’t yet visited one of our eighty-one...
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Based on Quotes from Last Night’s Dinner, Do My Parents Want Me to Give Them a Grandkid or Join a Multilevel Marketing Scheme?1. “This is a life-changing opportunity.” 2. “We need to expand our line.” 3. “Don’t you want to get in on...
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“Barbie Girl” by Ernest HemingwayWith apologies to Aqua . - - - She would collect name tags and uniforms like a poacher collects tusks. She was many things. She was a...
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The Sun Also Rises Drinking GameIf you cannot decide whether to go to South America or British East Africa because you are getting bored with Paris, drink a full glass of...
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Ernest Hemingway’s “Hills Like White Oliphaunts”The hills west of the Anduin were tall and white. On its east side there were low shrubs and thin grass and no trees and rocks and stones and dirt...
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Now I Am Become Pretentious, the Sayer of a Famous Quote“Now I become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” — J. Robert Oppenheimer , on witnessing the first detonation of a nuclear...
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My Political Career Should Not Be Defined by the One Time I Got My Dick Stuck in a CVS Blood Pressure MachineWell, registered voters of Bradford County. It’s been quite a ride. As my one and only term as transportation commissioner comes to an end, I...
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We’re Subletting Our Fourth Bed Space While Bedmate Visits Chocolate FactoryWe’re looking for someone to take over a temporary lease while our bedmate goes on a once-in-a-lifetime visit to a chocolate factory....
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Short Conversations with Poets: Eric McHenryOver two books, both published by The Waywiser Press, Eric McHenry has built up a world of poetry that’s at once lighthearted and serious,...
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An Actual Boy Genius Finds Out About the Band boygeniusI’ll be the first to admit music is not my strong suit. Of course, I did master the violin by age three, wrote my first opera at four, and was...
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Popular Sins, ExplainedGreed is one of the most popular sins, which explains why it inspired so many Bible verses. For example, Luke 12:15 reads, “Life does not consist...
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My Wife and I Share Household Duties, ActuallyCome on, it’s the twenty-first century. I believe in equality between the genders. Or is it equity? Whatever e-word the gals are jabbering...
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I Am a Monster Hell Bent on Destroying Earth, but Humans Are More Concerned That I’m a LesbianWhen I burst forth from Earth’s molten core into downtown Manhattan, I had one intention: to destroy every living thing on Earth. “I will turn the...
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Side Hustles of My High School Students or Second Jobs of My Teacher Friends?1. PSAT tutor 2. ACT proctor 3. Buying and selling GameStop index funds while I’m trying to collect the fucking homework 4. Youth...
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Why Yes, This Human Internment Camp Did Used to Be a TopgolfGreetings human! Welcome to the internment camp operated by your robot overlords. Congratulations on not being sent to the beheading...
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My Stepdaughter Cinderella Is Simply Not Being Realistic with Her Expectations and It’s Very Disturbing to Me“Disney CEO Bob Iger Says Writers and Actors Are Not Being ‘Realistic’ With Strikes: ‘It’s Very Disturbing to...
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It’s the Job of My Dreams, But I’d Have to Write a Cover Letter, So NevermindA generous salary, a hybrid work schedule, robust PTO , and the ability to put that anthropology degree to use at long last. The commute:...
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Take It from Me, Capitalism: Remote Work Will Make You Sick and Die“Remote work poses risks to physical health.” — The Hill “Swollen eyes, a hunchback, and claw-like hands: What...
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Airbnb Reviews of Henry David Thoreau’s CabinBe warned, this “cozy” and “rustic” place to “commune with nature” is just a 10 by 15-foot room, like a wooden prison cell. Not sure if the...
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Short Conversations with Poets: Michael Earl CraigAcross his first five—and now six—collections of poetry, Michael Earl Craig has developed a poetry as whimsical as it is serious, diffusing the...
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Walled-In; Or, Life in the Bathroom Hiding from My Kids“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately…” — Henry David Thoreau, Walden; Or, Life in the Woods - - - I went to the...
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The Great British Bake Off: Depression Meals WeekSIGNATURE CHALLENGE : SOMETHING WITH BREAD VOICEOVER : For their signature challenge, the bakers were asked to prepare something,...
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The U.N. Trial of That One Barber Who Always Screws UpThe following is a transcript of the UN trial of Tony Patterson, a terrible barber charged with crimes against hair-manity. The trial took place...
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A Letter? How Grand!What’s this? A letter? With my name on it? How grand! Bring it to me in my study, in my living room, in my boudoir, in my bedchamber. Bring it...
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Features of Homes That I Would Absolutely Settle for in This Housing MarketBroken boiler Combination washing machine-stove Bathroom with three sinks and no toilet Twin ghosts Banging pipes that sound like the...
