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Short Conversations with Poets: Jennifer GrotzPart of what’s devastating about Jennifer Grotz’s Still Falling , her fourth full-length collection, is the calm, piercing exactitude of her...
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We Were Disappointed That Our Airbnb Rental Was the Crawl Space Under a Table at a Red LobsterWe were very disappointed when our Airbnb rental turned out to be just the space underneath a table at a Red Lobster restaurant. We’d been led to...
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A Typical Day for a Protagonist in a Young Adult Fantasy Book6:00 a.m. I awake in the dark, heart pounding. My raven black hair is damp with sweat. I was having the Visions again. I hoped for relief the...
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One of Us Always Tells the Truth, the Other Always Lies. Also, Contrary to What You May Have Heard My Penis Is Not SmallGood morrow, traveler. Ah, it appears your long and arduous journey has reached a most perilous fork in the road. Your only way forward is through...
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We’re Getting Divorced. Please Like and Share This PostWith a heavy heart, I must announce something profoundly personal and painfully private to my 900,000 followers. Over the past few weeks, many...
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Excerpts from My Wilderness Adventure Novel Where It’s a Crucial Plot Point That All the Characters Went to Notre DameI took one last look at my parked F-150 and saw my I HEART ND license plate frame glinting gold in the fading daylight. It felt like a good...
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Is He the Perfect Man or Is He Just a Result of the Painstaking Emotional Labor Performed by Every Woman He’s Ever Dated?He listens when you speak, he appears to understand his privilege and complex power dynamics, and he’s never once lectured you about a Paul...
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Dress Code Policies to Ensure Your Employer Retains Professionalism While Knowing All About Your Genitals“A Texas state agency told its employees this month that they must dress in a manner that is ‘consistent with their biological gender,’ a...
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Honest Office Haiku for the Impending Recession“We Need to Synch Our Agile Framework with Our Projected Workflow” Okay, listen up. I don’t know what you just said. Am I getting axed? -...
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Help Us Remove Spam Facebook Accounts, So You Can Get Flooded With Bullshit from Real Facebook Accounts“If you come across spam on Facebook, report it to us. By doing so, you’ll be playing an important role in helping us protect other...
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Trader Joe’s Ketchup-Flavored Sprinkle Seasoning BlendWhat if a food that works fine in its original goopy form were deconstructed into its elemental components, dehydrated, and rebranded as a spice?...
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Inside the Mind of an AI-Generated Woman Laughing Alone with Salad- - - I am an AI-generated human female laughing alone with salad. Hahahaha. What could be better? Why are you looking at me like that? Is...
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Short Conversations with Poets: Deborah LandauTo say that Deborah Landau is a poet of the body is to risk obscuring the fact that she is a poet of the urban body, the urbane, the human being...
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As Verona’s Premier Apothecary, I Didn’t Get Where I Am Today by Violating My Patients’ HIPAA RightsRecently, there has been a lot of finger-pointing about who may or may not have sold some poison to a teenager, particularly Romeo...
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How to Hit It Off with My College Friend You’re About to Meet at This PartyHey, just so you know, Andrew’s coming tonight. Before he gets here, we should probably go over a few things about him. Andrew is a bit of...
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Smutty Books Have No Place in Our Schools. It’s Time to Ban the Bible“Public schools in Texas would have to prominently display the Ten Commandments in every classroom starting next school year under a bill...
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Your Spoon Will Be Ready to Use After This Software UpdateThank you for choosing Spoon , the smartest piece of silverware for eating soup, rice, or cereal. Your Spoon will be ready for use on your...
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Fuck It, I’m Making a Funfetti CakeI’m in the baking ingredients aisle looking for unbleached quinoa flour when I see it: a box of Funfetti cake mix. Ugh, what a sugar bomb....
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I’m Beginning to Think You Don’t Care About the Thirteen Birthday Parties We’ve Been Invited to This MonthI know it’s before six on Saturday morning. I know your eyes are too crusted shut to look at this stinky piece of cardstock I’m...
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Twenty-First-Century Wellness Trends That Were Also Hardships Jane Eyre Suffered at Lowood School1. Daily ice-water facials / communal wash basins and pitchers of frozen water 2. Detox breakfast bowls with activated charcoal / burnt porridge...
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Finally, a Doorbell Camera That Shoots Bullets“The recent shootings of two people who accidentally came to the wrong address—a 16-year-old boy in Kansas City and a 20-year-old woman in...
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Are You Pregnant or Just High?1. If your parents knew, they’d freak out. 2. You never thought you’d do it, but a dude talked you into it. 3. Your friends made it sound way...
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All My Real Estate FantasiesCobble Hill, Brooklyn I win the lottery and can afford to buy the brownstone where I once lived in a dungeon—er, “garden...
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Short Conversations with Poets: Elizabeth MetzgerElizabeth Metzger writes a taut, searing line. Compression isn’t the right word, because these are capacious poems, phrases that hold and open...
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I’m Just a Typical British ManI’m just a typical British man having a pint in a traditional cockney pub on my way to work in the morning. A London Taxi is having a fight...
