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Sorry Not Sorry: Mike Tyson, Marijuana Morsels, and the Difference Between Justice and ForgivenessA 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all...
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HR Pulls Your Kid in for a Performance Improvement Plan on Take Your Child to Work DayHey there, Kinzleigh. Take a seat by my desk, crisscross applesauce. As you may know, this year’s Take Your Child to Work Day coincides with our...
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Acknowledgments Page for the Email I Put Off for Seven Weeks and Finally SentWriting is an often solitary process, but it rarely happens alone. This brief email, which I hemmed and hawed over for seven weeks before finally...
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Comic Book Onomatopoeia and Their Real-World CounterpartsHa! A mistaken vocal inflection produced by the waitress when you mentioned you have a boat. Oh! Often produced involuntarily when you...
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In Retrospect, Hiring Macbeth as Our Tinned Soup Ambassador Was a Bad IdeaDear valued customers, Here at Weird Sisters Soups & Brines, our top priority has always been to prepare nourishing, ready-to-eat soups,...
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Family Tours in the Kingdom of the Sick: Golf Course, LightningWhen COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic...
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Life Lessons and Dating Advice I Learned from Jigsaw Puzzles1. Patience is key. 2. Remember to take breaks for self-care. 3. And don’t forget to go to the bathroom. 4. It’s better to make...
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Hello, It’s Me, Elijah. Who’s the Jerk Who Drank My Cup of Wine?Originally published April 15, 2022 - - - Wow, guys, this is deeply uncool. After all these years, I finally make it to a Passover Seder,...
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If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, I Would’ve Given This Commencement Speech to Other Poor College GraduatesWell, look at you. You’re all so brand spanking new, shiny, and gleaming. The world was made for the likes of you as you are now. Young....
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I Tried IHOP’s Sonic the Hedgehog Menu So You Don’t Have to, But I Wish You’d Help Out Once in a WhileSega fanatics and pancake aficionados rejoiced last week as the International House of Pancakes dropped their latest collab. These six foodstuffs,...
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Is It a Red Flag? (Jane Eyre Edition)He’s your current employer, and you live in his house. Not a red flag. Not for you at least. As the person in the higher class, he is...
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Letters to Moms: A Letter to Alison in Knocked UpIn this column , Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a...
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Other Things That Could Be Called The Tortured Poets DepartmentThe LiveJournal community, circa 2005 The university café where English adjuncts hold their office hours My tenth-grade ELA class when I ask...
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Good News, Husband: I’ve Become a TradwifeHi, sweetie. Remember how you told me that your childhood crush was Laura Ingalls Wilder? And that you think America is in the toilet? Well,...
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McSweeney’s Books: An Interview with Sam Sax About Their New Book, Yr Dead- - - In August 2022 I received an email asking if I would like to read Sam Sax’s debut novel with an eye towards possibly becoming the...
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Writer MathIf you think a piece is 100 percent done, it’s actually 45 percent done. To get it to 100 percent done, you can’t. If you think you...
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The Boys Are Back in Town (for Johnny’s Funeral)With apologies to Thin Lizzy . - - - Guess who just got back today? Mothers, lock up your daughters, because after five long decades away...
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What I Thought My Life Would Be Like After Decanting All My Spices into Mason Jars1. My decision to spend sixteen dollars on these Mason jars would inevitably coincide with a sudden, inexplicable change in my personality, from...
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We Are Not a “School”—We Are a Hospital System with a Football TeamDear valued faculty, In light of the recent budget cuts, the university administration thought it would be helpful to clarify a few things about...
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How to Roast Your Friend Just Enough That They’ll Want to Remain Your FriendIn this column , professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific...
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An Open Letter to Wyna Liu, the New York Times’ Connections EditorDear Wyna Liu, Editor of Connections: My morning ritual used to be a time of peace and solitude. A sacred time in which I’d gather up the energy...
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Your Son’s Transplant (to Brooklyn) Was SuccessfulMom, Dad, we just wanted to assure you that your trust-fund son’s transplant was a success. We weren’t too...
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Famous Literary Quotes About Love Rewritten by a Woman Whose Friends Are All Getting Married and Having Children While She Is Taking an Introduction to Ceramics Class1. “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a grad school stipend, must be in want of a ceramics...
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Is Reinstating a Misogynist 1864 Law Bad for Our Brand?“Meet the ‘pursuer of nubile young females’ who helped pass Arizona’s 1864 abortion law.” — Washington Post...
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Chronicles of a Catsitter: My Human Went to “Greece” and Left Me with This Person Who Doesn’t Give Me TreatsMai Tran began catsitting in 2021 while Tran was on pandemic unemployment, often staying overnight in people’s homes. Tran has now cared...
