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Arizona Law from 1864, Law from Middle-earth, or Anti-Crime Code of Mega-City One from Judge Dredd?“The Arizona Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that a 160-year-old near-total abortion ban still on the books in the state is enforceable, a...
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The Flu My Four-Year-Old Brought Home for Spring Break Addresses My Hope of Not Catching ItWhaddup. It’s the flu your four-year-old brought home for spring break. Are you gonna let me in or what? You’re hoping I leave you alone? You...
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Short Conversations with Poets: Callie SiskelCallie Siskel’s Two Minds is neither minimalist nor maximalist, but the spareness and efficiency speak volumes—and sometimes speak in long...
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A Support Group for People Whose Friends Have Moved to Los AngelesMillennials mill around a circle of chairs and a coffee station. They settle into seats and begin the weekly meeting of people whose friends have...
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So You’ve Knocked Over a Row of a Motorcycle Gang’s Motorcycles, AgainFrom 2006 to 2016, Sarah Walker offered excellent and specific instructions for essential activities of everyday life , like bullfighting and...
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I Am Your Thirty-Fourth Browser Tab, Begging You to Reopen MeMy dearest one, my sweetheart, my everything, I call to you from the far right-hand side of the browser window. Well, not the far right-hand...
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Sorry Not Sorry: Stephen Colbert Found His Own Line with Kate MiddletonA 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all...
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Character in a Dystopian YA Novel or Homeopathic Remedy My Mom Gave Me That Didn’t Fucking Work?Allium Cepa A homeopathic remedy used to treat symptoms of the common cold and allergies. It would also work nicely as the name of a kind, older...
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You Can Try Sample Questions from the New SATs or You Can Hit Yourself Over the Head Repeatedly with This Plumber’s WrenchYou may have heard the news that high schoolers will have to take the SATs if they plan to attend college. The temporary break from standardized...
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An Excerpt from Eli Burnstein’s Dictionary of Fine Distinctions- - - Swamp or bog? Guilt or shame? Club soda or sparkling water? From food to fashion, ethics to architecture, there are thousands of...
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So You’ve Knocked Over a Row of a Motorcyle Gang’s Motorcycles, AgainFrom 2006 to 2016, Sarah Walker offered excellent and specific instructions for essential activities of everyday life , like bullfighting and...
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I Am Batman, and I Will Restore Order to Gotham by Pulverizing a Man Robbing a Convenience Store to Feed His Starving FamilyFor far too long, the streets of Gotham have been plagued by chaos. Crime never sleeps. Thugs hide in the shadows, waiting to strike like snakes....
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Been There, Smelled That: Climate Change Is Destroying What You SmellBeen There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s...
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Words of Wisdom Written on Tea Bags by a People Pleaser (Totally Okay If You Don’t Read Them)1. If you give love, you will get love. But no pressure—only if you want to! 2. Peace starts inside you. And if you can’t get it to start, I can...
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I’m the Draft List at This Brewery and No, You Can’t Have a Light BeerHey man, welcome to our brewery. I’m gonna be your draft list today. The first thing you should know about me is this: I’m...
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If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, I Would’ve Ignored the White GazeThough her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to...
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The 2044 Election Is the Most Important Election of Our LifetimesHello, It’s the Democrats. The 2044 election is fast approaching, and we need your support now more than ever. It is the most important...
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Parents’ Most Common Stress-Induced Recurring Nightmares About Spirit Week1. Spirit Week continues into perpetuity. No theme will ever be repeated, and your children will need unique costumes every day for the rest of...
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Can I Interest You in a Brand-New Sparkling Water Brand?Hi, I’m wondering if I could interest you in a brand-new sparkling water brand. I don’t have a name for it, because it doesn’t...
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“The Girl with the Green Ribbon Around Her Neck” Updated for the Modern Millennial WomanOnce there was a girl named Jenny. She was like all the other girls, especially for this one thing: she always wore a black hair tie around her...
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Family Tours in the Kingdom of the Sick: Love Means Saying, “I Told You So.”When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic...
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Emails from My Dentist That Would Actually Make Me Schedule an AppointmentYOU’RE OVERDUE FOR A CLEANING ! Jennifer at reception started having an affair with one of the dentists, and her husband will be storming...
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The Only Way to Save Public Education Is to Turn Every Single School in America into High-End CondosI hear a lot of pie-in-the-sky utopian BS about education and equity and having an actual building that shields children from the elements. But...
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Letters to Moms: A Letter to Daenerys TargaryenIn this column , Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a...
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How to Prepare for Feet SeasonThe temperature is climbing, the flowers are poking their little heads out of the dirt, and soon the sidewalk will be riddled with nothing but...
