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The Riddle Master Hits Middle AgeWell met, hale wanderer! You have journeyed through the Fiendish Greenwood, over the Sea of Knives, and across the Barren Plains of Evermore to...
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What to Say When Your Family Opens Your Uncle’s Casket During His Wake and Finds It EmptyDo Say: “Whoa, where is Uncle Tony?” Everyone will be saying this, so you’ll fit right in. Don’t Say: “He’s in a better place now.”...
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Hi, I’m Jesus, and When I Get Back, I Want All the Eggs HiddenOrignally published April 10, 2020 - - - Hey there, I’m Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I know things look bad for me right now, but...
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How to Concede an Election While Making It Clear That Your Ideas Are Objectively BetterIn this column , professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific...
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God Leaves a Voice Message for Jesus on Holy SaturdayHi, Jesus. It’s Pop. Just got your message. Sorry I missed you yesterday. It was kind of wild around her. A good Friday it was not. You wouldn’t...
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The Case for Marrying a Prince Who Was Turned into a Beast by a Witch and Then Transformed Back Again“Romances have a setting; I had only intervened to place myself well. Mainly, I spotted the precise trouble of being a woman ahead of time,...
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Special Features of Trump’s Bible“Trump’s newest venture? A $60 Bible. His Bible sales pitch comes as he appears to be confronting a significant financial squeeze,...
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Chronicles of a Catsitter: The BoxerMai Tran began catsitting in 2021 while Tran was on pandemic unemployment, often staying overnight in people’s homes. Tran has now cared...
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Decreasingly Impressive Reasons for Someone to Throw Out a Ceremonial First PitchFirst person to go to space First person to walk on the moon First person to wait in the ship while other astronauts walked on the moon...
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Class Is Canceled Until Further Notice While I Do My JobDear Students — I am sorry to say that I will need to cancel all classes for an indeterminate length of time while I work on doing my job....
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I Want to Go Out Like the Goodnight Moon Bunny When I DieI was browsing the death literature the other day, and you know what they’re saying? It’s all about grip strength. It’s...
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Terms and Conditions Under Which I Will Accompany You to a Live Musical EventThis Agreement is entered into between You, a Person Who Enjoys In-Person Entertainment (hereinafter “Fan”), and Me, an Introvert Who Avoids...
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If I Had Been in the 1991 Movie Point Break Instead of Keanu ReevesGARY BUSEY : They’ve robbed twenty-six banks in three years. And all we know about them is one thing: They’re surfers. You need to...
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The CamelBak Languishing in the Back of Your Cabinet Would Like a WordHey there, it’s me. The CamelBak you bought in 2012 before a post-grad backpacking adventure. Remember that? You used to show me off to all your...
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Sorry Not Sorry: Why Apologies Aren’t MiraclesAgnes Callard is among the world’s most famous living philosophers, and certainly the one most likely to trend on your social media feed for...
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A Good Man Is Hard to Find, Charlie BrownCHARLIE BROWN : Hey, Lucy. What’re you doing? LUCY : I’m going to kill my mother, Charlie Brown. CHARLIE BROWN : Why would you do...
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What Your Favorite Stephen Sondheim Song Says About You, Act IIRead Act I - - - “Good Thing Going” ( Merrily We Roll Along ): You’re a hugger, and you look at everyone’s Instagram stories no matter...
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Been There, Smelled That: Can You Smell What I Smell in Iceland?Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s...
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TikTok Is a Threat to Our Extremely Normal Media Ecosystem“Senators push to declassify TikTok intel and hold a public hearing ahead of ban vote.” — NPR , 3/21/24 - - - Fellow...
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What I Imagine Would Happen If I Went on Naked and AfraidPrior to my adventure, I am assigned a primitive survival rating ( PSR ) by a team of experts. I have never been camping or hunting, and if I have...
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An Open Letter to the White Person Who Just Found Out I’m Puerto RicanDear White Person Who Just Found Out I’m Puerto Rican, I’m Puerto Rican, and that’s going to come up in conversation with me. The reveal...
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The “Babe” IndexWhen do you start calling the person you are dating “babe”? Psychologist and philosopher William James called this the single greatest question...
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If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, Would I Have Been More Christian and Less Black?The second semester of my freshman year of college, I found Jesus. When it happened— it being when I came before the saints and admitted I was a...
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I Am the New York Times’ Paywall, and If I Let Any Non-Subscribers in, They’ll Kill My FamilyWelcome and/or welcome back. Looking to sign up for a subscription? Or maybe you’re already a subscriber? Either way, go ahead and type your email...
